The Cynic/Dreamer Struggle

Hi my name is Jennifer. And I'm a dreamer. And I'm a cynic. When I'm being one I am always thinking about the other. It's a problem.

All joking aside, it really is an issue. Excuse me for being cryptic but I can't give all the details. You see, there's this part of me who thinks this person in my outer circle will one day clean up her life and be able to come back and be a part of my inner circle again. I see her new actions and get hopeful. This last time months go past and she acts good and starts to clean up her act. But my cynic little devil is sitting on my other shoulder chirping in my ear "don't believe don't believe don't belieeeeeeeve".

And then she slips. She plays the martyr. She whines and cries. She's not strong. She slips back in kind of sort of to her drug of choice, which isn't really a drug but rather a person. Addiction is not just about food or drugs, her addiction is just as harmful and affects everyone around her. She stops calling. She stops interacting. And the cynic says "ah hah, I told you so".

Rather than standing on her own two feet, something about this person just screams entitlement. I'm entitled to everything life has to offer for free free free. Poor pity me give it all to me. Feel bad for me. Help me. Watch out for me. Watch me screw up again. Me me me.

I can't. I can't watch it. I can't take the phone calls. I can't deal with her drama. I can't worry. I can't have her in my life. I can't know what she's doing and how much she just isn't getting it.

I can't. Does that mean I won't? I guess that's really the million dollar question this week.

That dreamer is still there. But the cynic is winning this one.