A Cookie Epiphany

Funny name for a post, huh? But so true today. So true.



I am busy this morning making a gazillion valentine day colored m & m cookies for Stephen's class. Busy baking, staying on task, trying not to procrastinate.



Then it hits me. I may have figured out half my reason for one of my issues lately. And it was a "duh, you big dummy" realization.



You see, I'm waking up each night around 1am or slightly before in a full out panic attack. I go from being asleep to anxiety hell. And it sucks. I used to just wake up around this time. No attack, just come out of my sleep and get up for a few minutes. The last few nights I am in anxiety overload at that time. It's the worst thing. And it's what prompted me to finally get into the doctor's office. Crappy sleep, okay. Anxiety ridden sleep? Not so much. And it's making me not want to go to sleep because I don't want it to happen, so I stay up even later trying to ward it off. A never ending cycle.



So back to the baking, I'm baking and I realize what the problem is. And it only took me eight months to figure it out. My mom died in her sleep. My maternal grandfather died in his sleep at age 34ish, his sister (my great aunt) also died in her sleep at age 55 just a few years ago. They all died of heart related issues, whether it be heart attacks, congestive heart failure etc. Whatever. Just there one minute and gone the next. And I'm waking up with these attacks of panic, shortness of breath, anxiety during the night. Middle of the night freaking out. Not thinking I'm dying, just full out anxiety.

So I'm a head case. Post traumatic stress finally rearing it's ugly head. I knew the gig was up when Steve finally said I should head to the doctor last week. Melissa agreed and has been bugging me to go to. But they didn't know about the panic attacks. I couldn't bring myself to tell them. I mean, it's one thing to be mentally screwed up with depression and grief, but add this anxiety crap on and I just feel like I'm falling apart.

I have dealt with the grief, the depression, the missing of my mom. I've clung to memories and made new ones with my family. I've gotten through almost every important event a year can have save three important ones. And I thought I did it with my sanity.

But I'm feeling now that there are big cracks in my armor. I scoff at myself, telling myself that I've made it almost nine months and I should just keep on going doing what I'm doing. Then the nighttime comes and I'm in absolute agony. I can't take the lack of sleep anymore.

Updated after my doctor's appointment....

So I went to the doctor and she agrees we have to stop this cycle. And she was willing to try me out on a mild anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med and a sedative. I can't wait to go to sleep and try these drugs. Tonight is not the night to try the sedative though....gotta work late. But tomorrow I have a date with some meds and my cozy green blanket.

Praying that there are some sleep filled nights in my future. And for no more panic attacks. Please no more of those. It's going to take a few weeks to get the meds at the right level in my system but I'm really hoping that this works and that I can stay on the meds for a while, get myself settled back into normal sleeping patterns and then wean off of them.