Missing You

**note: just some feelings I wanted to get out, not a cheery post**

The time just slips through my fingers each day. Heading toward week 13/almost three months to the day since we last spoke. I'm not living in denial. I'm laughing and smiling more than I'm crying.

But god do I miss you with each step I take. My grief isn't overpowering. And it isn't empowering. It just is. There right below the surface. I'm not crying at work anymore. I'm not crying much really. I try. God do I try. But most days the tears won't come. Wouldn't you know it now though? As I sit here and type this they stream to the corners of my eyes and then just stop. Not able to make their way down my face. Is that your way of telling me to stop crying?

The one thing I try to remind myself about you is that I carry my love for you higher than I carry my grief. I love you more than the grief. You were my best friend. I just hope that I gave you as much as you gave me. I miss you with all my heart. I can't ever imagine not missing you.

I've stopped wanting to call you. Instead I spend time talking with my sisters and your sisters. It's funny, about your sisters that is. They all seem to call me on the same day. The phone rings constantly. But we sidestep around what we really want to say. There are formalities and small talk but what I really want to talk about is you. And I believe they do too.

What hits me the hardest right now is having Dad over to our house. He's visited twice in thirteen weeks. And both times I've just come undone. You should be with him in that truck. You should be here being with me. You should be here kissing your grandkids. You should be standing at that door saying good-bye all the while the look on your face tells me that you don't really want to leave. You should be.

But you are not. I've stopped feeling your prescence. And yet I haven't. Sometimes at the most oddest times I catch myself talking and my voice sounds just like yours. Or I look at Melissa and I see you in her face. Or Kate says something and I know that's how you would say it too.

I miss you today. I miss you every day. I love you.